Jude Law and the semester abroad

The Empty Road

2008-02-29T07:20:00.000-08:00

How do you break up with a country?

I ask this question jokingly, sometimes half seriously, and for the most part without an answer. I have been avoiding concluding this blog because in a way it feels like putting this all behind me. I don't know the right way to be content with being back. I had some of the most powerful friendships in a place which is an ocean away. Upon my return, I simply assumed that I was probably being melodramatic, but it is not under my control. Everything has lost it's color, nothing is the same. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but I walk across campus, and I feel like a stranger in a place which I once called home. I did not expect to feel like this, I guess I thought I would come back to Raleigh, pick up, and move on. I tried too hard to simply shake the recovery off of my back and simply fall back into the life that I had before I left.

A few morning ago I woke up wondering if I had ever been to Manchester, and had the time that I did. This alarmed me, because I have an obsession with remembering. I realized that I was capable of forgetting important parts of four months which have changed my life. Like a mad woman, I realized how much of England had slipped from my memory, and to my utmost horror, my body had finally readjusted to North Carolina weather. My body was back, but my mind was still reminiscing, regretting, and somewhere across the ocean. I can still remember the feelings I had before I boarded the plane. All I did was weep and sleep for eight hours. I thought that exhausting experience had purged me of the worst of my feelings, but I was wrong.

Ever since I could read, I have had an obsession with England. I had this fascination with the culture, the literature, and the people. My experience was amazing, and beyond anything that I could have expected or imagined. I know that this is most likely a very plain way to word my feelings. For a semester, I was living a childhood fantasy. I expected to love England, what I did not expect, was the strength of the friendships. I have gone through my life making many friends, but I was well adjusted to good friends leaving me. I guess I never really made friends in the past thinking that I would lose them in a few months. I cannot explain the difference in these friendships, and I do not expect anyone who has not had the experience to understand. A part of my heart is stuck somewhere in the past, and I do not know if I can retrieve it.

Let me say this, despite the emptiness I feel right now, I do not regret studying abroad. It is just that I am having a hard time realizing that closing the book does not mean that I lose the experience. Some people have named this reverse culture shock. I don't know what to call it, but I am trying my hardest to let go without forgetting, and the obsession with remembering is where I am in trouble.

My freshman year, I remember I studied Music Drama. I was passionate about the subject, and I absorbed every note, every overture, and every opera. It frightened me when months later I could no longer identify pieces which were second nature to me when I was studying the course. As much as I loved the class, I was human. I was forgetting. My fear is that Manchester will become a symphony of forgotten notes, laughs, and experiences.

I am scared that this will all slip away, and it will be an experience, a group of people that I used to know. I am scared that I will return to Manchester, and I will forget where Piccadilly Gardens are or how to get to the Curry Mile. But while I reserve the shelves of my mind for these things, I am not leaving space for this semester, or these new memories that could be made.

I want to make a note here, that I still love my friends here in North Carolina dearly. It is hard to verbalize these feelings because it almost seems like a slap in the face to the friends and family that I have here. I love you just as much as I did when I was abroad, and when I did before I left. I am just a different person, and in time that change is for the better. I am more independent and head strong. I am just feeling numb right now. I have lived my entire life in Raleigh, and to be a part of a completely different world was such a drastic and important experience for me.

For now, I know that I can no longer cower behind nostalgia. While I can't control the fact that I think about Manchester every day, this is where the sidewalk ends. This is the last page in my semester abroad, even though it comes months later. It concludes here. From where I stand now, I have no solid plans, only memories, and the will to move on. While uncertainty has scared me into nostalgia, I know that the only thing I have is hope. There is no atonement. There was no wrongdoing. It was all right. It was all great. All I have is hope. No dividing of property, no burning of reminders, but snapping out of my misty haze is the best decision that I can make. While I was wrong about when the worst was over, I know that I have to confront my feelings. Above all else, I need to reach content. While hearing "Wonderwall" by Oasis no longer brings me to tears, I know that the sadness that washes over me when I hear it is not good. I know that one day, those things will make me smile. They will make me happy. That day may not be today or tomorrow, but if I am determined, it will be soon. I am determined.

At the bottom of Pandora's Box, all that remained was hope.

Fin.

This deserves its own post

2007-11-28T03:24:00.000-08:00

I know how to roast a whole chicken. Cleo and I did it! It was our first time ever making the whole thing. Everyone loved it

See mommy, I can cook more than spaghetti!!

I took a picture to make sure that everyone sees how awesome it is.

A weekend trip to Oxford and the Christmas market!

2007-11-28T02:31:00.000-08:00

This past weekend I visited Oxford. It was pretty cool. It was really pretty but I don't think I could see myself living there. It was full of Americans and tourists. The educational system at the University is definitely appealing though, the level of one-on-one interaction is really great. If I were to go to graduate school abroad, I would want to live somewhere where there weren't a lot of Americans, because I think it would be a much more valuable experience. I don't want to swim in debt though!

I visited Christ Church College, where they filmed some of The Golden Compass and the Harry Potter films there. It was gorgeous! The only thing was that it was SO CROWDED, so there were random people in some of my photographs, but that was okay. My favorite part was the dining hall. I didn't just like it because it inspired the Great Hall! It was really beautiful. The ceiling was so high and detailed...you really just can't stop staring at it. I am sad I didn't get good pictures of it, because there were WAY too many people, and we had to move in a single file line. It felt like being in elementary school again.

Last week I went to the Christmas Market, which was really cool. I haven't seen anything like it before! Danielle and I went crazy because we went after lecture, and we didn't really have any money with us. I had one pound, and so I bought this chocolate covered marshmallow thing. Anna bought one too. It was SO GOOD. There was food there from all over Europe, and it just smells really good (except there is a lot of pork, so that is sad for me! )

I only have about three weeks left here. I don't want to leave. I still miss my parents and my friends, but this experience has been so wonderful.

To the Lake District we go

2007-11-20T16:03:00.000-08:00

November Fifth was Bonfire Day! That was an exciting day, because we went to the park and watched the fireworks, and went to a little fair. Later on that week, the Christmas lights were turned on in St. Peter's Square. An ice skating rink was set up in Piccadilly Gardens. I really want to go! Its sort of expensive, so we will see what happens there.

The Friday before last I went to the Lake District. I visited a town called Windermere. Windermere Lake is the largest natural lake in Great Britain.

It was beautiful. We biked around town, through the hills, and by the lake. We also saw the World of Beatrix Potter. It was so great to see a museum dedicated entirely to the woman who created Peter Rabbit. I had spent so much time visiting cities---it was really refreshing to go to a place that was more of the countryside. It really did not take that long to get there. I think I may go back there later. I either want to go back to the Lake District, visit the Peak District, or visit Bath.

It is hard to believe that I only have a month left here. I have had such a wonderful experience, and I wish I could stay longer. It is hard to believe that I have been here since September. Really it feels like I have been here much longer, but at the same time it feels like I haven't been here long enough. I am really glad that I have traveled so much. I think I have had a satisfying experience within England. I love the people that I have met here. They have been such a great family to me.

Next week, there will be a strike with the bus system I use. I really hope that it doesn't last for long. Looks like I will be walking out in the cold! I am too stubborn to take another bus service. The sun does set around 4:15 PM, so that would be inconvenient for my 5 PM class. I might get the bus THAT day. The bus driver was telling me today that there would be a strike.

Better get some rest! I have work to do tomorrow! I did do a lot of work today, and I even did some planning for Behind the Veil in the Spring. During my last days, my best friend will be flying over, and we are still planning out what we will be doing. I am really excited. After that, I only have about two weeks left until I am back on American soil. It looks like I might be coming back on Eid Al-Adha! Thinking about coming home is one of the most bittersweet things to contemplate.

If you have time, this is something I wrote for the Technician:
http://media.www.technicianonline.com/media/storage/paper848/news/2007/11/19/Features/Notes.From.Abroad.British.Diversity.Overwhelms-3109590.shtml

Happy Thanksgiving!
We will be having Thanksgiving in England :)

Make this go on forever

2007-11-05T03:12:00.000-08:00

I went to Birmingham on Saturday, and it was a lot of fun. At first, I thought that it was going to be really sad and scary, but it was absolutely BEAUTIFUL. Turns out that it actually has more Canals than Venice (although Danielle and I established that Venice is probably a more desirable destination).

Anyways, did what we usually do when we go to big cities, we go to the art galleries and then walk around city centre.

I really miss my family and friends back home, but I really love the friends I have made here. They are like my second family. We have connected on this level that feels almost unreal. I will be really upset when I have to leave. It is starting to hit all of us that we only have about a month and a half left. The sad thing is that a lot of them are in Europe, so they really can see each other pretty easily, but I would have to cross an ocean to see them (and vice versa). I know that I will see them again, and that the end of this study abroad experience will not be the end of our friendship.

Today is November 5th, or Bonfire night, which celebrates the failure of the "gunpowder plot", which was a plot to blow up the Parliament in 1605. There will be bonfires and fireworks all over the place, so I should be able to get some good pictures in tonight! It will be an exciting day.

I have to go to my lecture now, but I will post again soon.

Much love.

Sara

London Calling

2007-10-29T09:51:00.000-07:00

So you get lucky with a double post! Alright. so Sarah Amend came from Scotland to Manchester Thursday night. We left for London on Friday morning, and I came back home on Sunday. I will break this into days:

Friday:
Friday morning we got up really early and walked around Manchester some. We then got on the train to London! We stayed at a hostel in Hammersmith, so we had to catch the tube there. Well, luckily for us we had to go to King's Cross. If you are a Harry Potter fan, then you know why King's Cross is so special. So we went off to find Platform 9 3/4. We found it! It was amazing. I could have come to London simply to see that! Anyways, after that we went to the hostel and then got ready to go to the British Library. In the library we got to see the Magna Carta--which was amazing. You read about these documents, but to see them up close is really moving. We also saw some of Jane Austen's letters, some early copies of the Qur'an and the Bible, and even some scraps of paper that John Lennon had written some lyrics or a poem on. I was also excited to see an original score from one of Wagner's operas.

So after going to the British Library, we decided to go see Abbey Rd. Now THAT was interesting, because the maps we had weren't as specific as we liked. We finally found Abbey Road, but then the obstacle was finding the SAME zebra crossing that the Beatles walked across. We walked for about fifteen minutes searching for some kind of sign of that specific one. Finally, we found it! It was at the VERY END of the road (of course). The recording studio was also right there, so it was a good clue--as were the tourists. Now the fun part began: getting a picture walking across a crosswalk which actually had a good amount of traffic. However, we did get the photographs we wanted, but not without a lot of tries.

After that we were exhausted! We went back to Hammersmith and passed out like babies!

Saturday

On Saturday morning we got up bright and early to start our tour of London. We decided to take the Original Tour bus, which has a hop-on/hop-off service. So first we decided to go to Buckingham Palace---which was crawling with tourists! I am sure the Queen enjoyed that. Anyways, it was beautiful. Sarah wanted to see the Royal Mews, so I took to walking around some. I finally found my way back to Trafalgar Square, but there was some construction going on. I knew what I really wanted to see. I wanted to see what we like to call "Big Ben", even though our tourguide taught us that Big Ben was actually the name of the bell housed inside of the clock tower. It is actually called St. Stephen's Tower. Anyways, I think I felt my heart move when I first saw it. I had seen it in so many pictures and movies, that it was dazzling to see it up close. It is a part of the Houses of Parliament, so there was an interesting mix of protests going on around. There were protests going around--just a completely different pulse. That is what I loved about London. It is so large, so there were so many diferent cultures and people milling about. Anyways, we then saw Westminster Abbey and Saint Margaret's Church. We actually went into Saint Margaret's. It was really pretty. After eating a small lunch, we rode the tour bus again. We went over the London Bridge, which was somewhat anti-climatic. We also rode across the Tower Bridge and then Sarah left to take a tour of the Tower of London. I then got off to see the Tate and the Globe. I walked across the Millenium Bridge, and then I saw St. Paul's Cathedral. St. Paul's was breathtaking. There is no other word for it. Soon after, I ate some sushi (my first rolls since coming from the States!). It made me homesick for Una, Ashley, Laura, and Cynthia. Anyways, I went back onto the bus, and then I took the tube back to the hostel. I met Sarah back there later, and then we had dinner at the Chicken Cottage! Which was cheap. Very cheap.

Sunday
So the time changed. Did you guys know that? I am sure you did. We didn't know that Sunday morning--or rather we forgot. We didn't realize it until we were loitering around the Victoria and Albert at half past eight! The museum didn't open until 10:00. So we walked around some, and I saw the best dressed homeless man that ever existed. He was wearing nice clothes. The only way I knew he was homeless was his shopping cart, and the exhausted look in his eyes. It was the first time I really wished I could talk to a homeless person. I wanted to know about him. Anyways, the outside of the V&A is really pretty. The side was also somewhat charred and had pock marks in it--turns out it was because of bombings after the war. When we finally got into the museum, it was well worth the wait. The inside was breathtaking. I bought a ticket for the "Golden Age of Couture" exhibit. Before going into the exhibit, I went and looked at the Islamic art collection. That in itself, was amazing. I saw some of the coverings on the Kabaa and from the Prophet's (PBUH) tomb. Also, there were some older Qur'ans, and a HUGE carpet. It was really amazing, because in Islamic school we used to learn so much about Islamic architecture and art, but to see it was a completely different experience.

After the islamic art, I went on to see the exhibit on couture. I loved it very much. It was a very moving experience. I have spent much of my life looking at photographs and replicas of some of these dresses. To see them up close; to see the dresses that masters like Dior and Balenciaga crafted was a deeply moving experience. These people shaped the way women dress at their time, but more importantly their influence reaches into the lives on men and women today. If you have a chance to go, I would definitely encourage it. It was very interesting, and I learned so much. I wish that the Fashion Designers class at NCSU could take a trip there! I also learned a lot from the exhibit about clothing. That was not a special exhibition, it was simply a part of the museum's collection. There was a wide range of clothing that really showed how society and culture changed through clothing. I saw a few more exhibits, including a portion of an exhibit focusing on Henry VIII. I am acting as a cultural correspondent for an awesome group of fourth graders back in North Carolina. I will be telling them about Henry VIII in two weeks' time. It is really cool being a correspondent, because it gives me time to reflect a little more about my study abroad experience. Anyways, after leaving the V&A, we went to the British Museum. However, I did not get to stay there very long. I only saw a statue from Easter Isle and a glimpse of the Rosetta Stone before realizing that I was going to be late for my coach. No worries, I got there in time! Thirty minutes to run from the museum to the Holborn station to take the Piccadilly line to Green Park, and from there taking the Victoria Line to Victoria station--then finally running a few blocks to get to the coach station. Not bad for my first time with a subway, huh?

The ride on the coach did take seven hours. I did not sleep one bit. It was a kind of torture. BUT, I am back home so that is all that matters.

Anyways. It was a lot of fun, and I was really glad I went. I was sad that I missed the Peak District with the International Society. It was still awesome to experience such an amazing city. I registered for classes, and it made me realize that I am going home so soon. I do miss everyone back home, but I think it might break my heart to leave here.

Well, Emily (my French flatmate) wants me to come to the kitchen because the girls are having tea and cakes. On that note, I will go now. More updates to come!

This post is dedicated to: the new Leaders of the Pack: Anna Patton and Nick Schultz! I am very proud of them. The Wolfpack: YEAH WOLFPACK FOOTBALL! and last but not least---Big D.

Wales

2007-10-29T09:41:00.001-07:00

okay, so this is kind of bumrushing entries, but I do what I can! So two weekends ago, I went to to North Wales with the International Society. It was BEAUTIFUL. We visited two places: a town called Llangollen and Erdigg (a home in Wales). In Llangollen we just walked about town. It was a definite change of pace from Manchester. The coolest thing was that signs were in both Welsh and English. It was really cool to learn about a culture that I think many people wouldn't realize existed. There was a food and drink festival and a lot of music. I bought some bread, and it was fantastic. We spent a few hours there, hanging out in town and walking in the River Dee. There was also a corn mill that is about 600 years old! Pretty cool. After Llangollen we left to Erdigg, which was really huge. There were a lot of people and narrow staircases. It was fascinating and it was really nice walking through the house. The gardens were also beautiful, and it was just nice to be out in the country. I love how I continue to learn about the multiple cultures in England.

Because I'm a Rough Gem

2007-10-09T02:58:00.000-07:00

Zurich

Stratford-Upon-Avon

Shakespeare's birthplace

Schloss Ludwigsburg

Pumpkins!

At the airport

Family in Germany ♥

Hello blogosphere!

It has been a long time since I have updated. I will break this up into parts:

1) I visited Stratford-Upon-Avon, where William Shakespeare was born. It was a wonderful experience. We went with the International Society, so it was a little bit different than our going to Liverpool (definitely more organized and less spontaneous). I can't describe the feeling I had seeing the places that Shakespeare went to and even the home he grew up in. It was a nice trip into history.

What is funny is that my first experience with Shakespeare wasn't really a good one. I didn't like Romeo and Juliet. The language was beautiful, but overall it wasn't one of my favorites. I'd have to say Hamlet is my favorite play by Shakespeare. I don't know what that says about me. I think that Ophelia is a really underrated character. She intrigues me---but I have a feeling that that is an entirely different blog and blog entry (or a paper waiting to happen). A Mid-Summer Night's Dream is definitely my second favorite. It is probably because it has fairies.

Anyways, the weather was really nice, and there was a food fair or something going on too, so it smelled really good too! Theresa got this parfait thing from Mark & Spencer, and it was really good. I know that is not the fair, but still amazing. I think Shakespeare's birthplace (the house he was literally born in) was my favorite place to visit. I wasn't very interested in his son-in-law's house. I am sad that Shakespeare's huge house got knocked down by an idiot.

2) School has started--it is really different than the States. Sometimes, I don't feel like I am in school simply because I don't have busy work. It is interesting, it is like your class is building up for one thing, I think that makes it harder to procrastinate (or not to). It is weird, because I am taking classes from four different degrees. It makes things confusing, and it made straightening out the timetables just as interesting. Thank GOD I had really helpful tutors to help. I think that it is almost completely sorted out. I really wish that I could stay for the entire academic year, because I think I would learn a lot more, but I don't know if that could actually work out. The only class that keeps me consistently busy is my "Telling Stories: The Birth of the English Novel" class. We read a book about every week, it is interesting to have to read an entire book without any kind of graded assessment, I think it places a different kind of responsibility on it. It is like everything you do in class, is simply there to help you think out what you truly want to get out of the class. I really like that, I feel like in the end I might get more out of this semester. I am not sure yet.

3) This past weekend, I went to Switzerland and Germany alone. It was really nice. I flew on Swiss Air, and I had a really long layover in Zurich. So, I spent two hours in the city center. I just took the train and let my handy dandy guide book lead the way. It was BEAUTIFUL. I really want to go back and see it properly. I really fell in love. The weather was nice, and there was a river in the middle of the city. I can't explain it, it just felt like the perfect mix of a large city, a calm piece of nature, and older architecture. It meshed well together. Finally, I ended up in Germany to see my family. I was really happy to see them. The last time I visited with them was three years ago. My second cousins are growing up so fast. They have a lot of energy and they wore me out! We went to schloss Ludwigsburg on Sunday. I went there the last time I was visiting, but I really love that palace. We didn't go inside this time, but we just hung out in the gardens. Because it is October, there were pumpkin related festivities. It was nice, but it did make me miss home some. I liked traveling alone to a certain extent, but I kind of wished someone else was with me, especially when I had to spend the night in Zurich on Sunday. It was fine, because there were dayrooms in the airport. I preferred that to getting into Manchester late at night. Overall, it was a very good weekend.

4) I will be going to London this weekend for a "world graduate school fair". I am really nervous, but to a certain extent excited. A lot of schools I am really interested in will be there. I have an interview on Friday for an internship, so I am crossing my fingers. It is a big weekend! I am bummed that I may be at a graduate school fair during Eid Al-Fitr, which signifies the end of Ramadan. However, I think it is pretty important that I look into my future and try to work with talking to schools. So far, this experience abroad is definitely helping me sort out what I want to do with myself, and more importantly my interests. I really like my classes, and they are helping me straighten out things too. Also, talking to professors and classmates helps me think about a lot of things too, so I think that a graduate school fair may be something I need to go too.

5) I had my first Cultural Correspondents session! I am working with the coolest teacher, the awesome and talented Jessie Mendez, and the most fun fourth graders! It was AWESOME. Sadly, we couldn't do a video chat, but we got to talk some, and I had the chance to show them some pictures. I will be better prepared next time, and I will have a lot more pictures! Hopefully we can do a video chat.

6) I am loosely keeping up with NC State, and I would just like to say that I am REALLY proud of some of the people who have made it far in Leader of the Pack! I am rooting for Anna Patton and Nick Schultz. It is so great to see two people that I really respect and love to make it so far in a campus wide competition. I am so glad you two made it this far.

7) In other NC State related opinions, why did the tuition and fees committee recommend my tuition to increase?

Anyways, this is turning out to be a very long entry, but I was due for an update.
I am also excited because Cingular unlocked my cellphone, so I can use a normal phone. I love and miss everyone back home!

First Day Stumbles

2007-09-24T03:41:00.000-07:00

1. I wake up nice and early.
2. I Eat my breakfast that a friendly cereal-eating shark endorsed.
3. I get dressed and perform other socially acceptable practices.
4. I get a notebook and a folder to be a good student.
5. I get on the right bus.
6. I get off at the right stop.
7. I help people find their way on campus.
8. I find my classroom
9. There are people inside
10. I am an hour and fifteen minutes early.

Penny Lane is in my ears and in my eyes

2007-09-23T08:21:00.000-07:00

We went to Liverpool yesterday, and it was amazing. I think I took some of my best pictures there. If you didn't know, the Beatles were born in Liverpool. We went to an art museum and walked around the places that the Beatles haunted. It is pretty cool to see a place that is such a large part of musical history.

The funniest thing was that I had my heart set on seeing Abbey Road. I felt like such an idiot because it wasn't in Liverpool, I had read my guidebook wrong. Turns out Abbey Road is in London. Oh well. I'll have some more Beatles stuff to watch out for in London.

This past week felt like forever and a blur all at the same time. I really like it here, and I feel like I am learning a lot about adjusting to city life as well as myself.

Next weekend I will be going to Germany to see my aunt. I really wanted to see Victoria, because she will be in England next weekend. My aunt wanted me there next weekend though. So I bought my ticket, and I will be off.

I cleaned my room, which is strange. It was so dirty and now it is so clean. I called my mom this morning and told her. She was really excited. Especially because of how long it usually takes me to clean my room. I call my mom at least once a day, which is part homesickness part trying to keep my parents from worrying.

We start classes on Monday (I think). Finally!

Take it Slow

2007-09-20T00:06:00.001-07:00

What can I say about this place? I have fallen in love with it. It is really interesting living in a large city that always feels electric. It is so different than Raleigh.

We started working on our "timetables" and I am really figuring out how the UK and US systems are different. It is slightly stressful, but I don't think I will have trouble working it out.

One thing that really impressed me here was the student union. Thinking back on Talley Student Center---it would never be as full or lively as the union here at MMU. It just doesn't feel like school when you go there.

We went to a place called "Curry Mile", which is a stretch of the main road that has a menagerie of Middle-Eastern and Southeast-Asian businesses and restaurants. Seeing signs in Arabic made me burst into tears. It was the first time I had cried because I was homesick. It was so strange.

The British students have finally moved in and they are super nice. The flat next door is REALLY loud. They are 5 guys and 5 girls, but they are all nice and hilarious. It is a good balance to our relatively quiet flat, which is just five girls.

I wish that I were staying for a year. I do miss NC State terribly. I still use an NCSU umbrella!

"Have you got 20p?"

2007-09-13T15:47:00.001-07:00

So I am here in Manchester. It feels really surreal.

It is quite fantastic thus far. The best thing is that people are so nice. It's not that I expected people to be nasty, but my parents and I have been mulling over that for the past few months---hearing horror stories, etc. about the treatment of Muslims in Europe. I talked to a few people today, and I found it extremely amusing that Muslims in the U.K. feel that way about being a Muslim in America. It was pretty eye-opening.

We had the first day of orientation today. It is a three day series. Elizabeth and I went to take short naps, but ended up oversleeping and missing a trip into town.

So, we went along trying to find a shop called "ASDA" which is a bit like Wal-Mart. We couldn't find it at all. Google maps will help me find it tomorrow. People were just so nice and helpful.

The traffic thing is frightening. The driver of the minibus got in on the "wrong" side, and it freaked me out. You really have to be careful when you cross the street.

Anyways, my first day has been quite eventful. I feel so tired. I would like to inform the world that I did indeed forget my toothbrush in the States.

I think this is good for now. More later.

Much love.

Tomorrow!

2007-09-10T21:10:00.000-07:00

I leave tomorrow. It all feels surreal right now. I know I will forget something. Usually, it is my toothbrush.